The podcast

Sunday 31 May 2020

Must get a grip

I really must get a grip.
'Well, I'm right here!'
I jumped. I hadn't realised David had come in the room.
'What?' I said.
'I'm here. You can grip me any time you want.'
I frowned at him. 'Did I say that about getting a grip out loud?'
David nodded.
Do I say all my thoughts out loud? Is this why I get funny looks in the supermarket and people avoid me?
'And at home.'
I scowled at him but he carried on, 'Like I said, I'm right here if you want to get a good grip.' He advanced on me with what I think was meant to be a sultry smile. I pushed him away. 'I didn't mean that. I meant I need to get a grip on my writing life.'
'Oh,' David looked disappointed.
'I'm a successful author now - don't raise your eyebrows at me like that: I am! And I can't keep my fans writing for the sequel.'
'Any longer than they've already had to wait you mean?'
'Look, if you're just going to be unhelpful I'm not going to tell you my brilliant idea.'
David's face dropped and he started to back away quickly.
'Where are you going? Don't you want to hear my brilliant idea?'
'Your brilliant ideas usually involve me in painting a room or chopping down a tree.'
'I've never asked you to ... well, only one tree and it was a dud. it didn't give us any plums. And I warned it, told it was on last chance.'
'I'm not taking any chances.'
'No, I promise this doesn't involve you at all.'
He looked doubtful but I smiled and nodded my head encouragingly.
'Okay, go on,' he said, 'but the first time you say "and you can ..." I'm off.'
'Fine. So ...' I wanted to build up the tension I felt my original announcement had lost. 'I'm doing MyNoWriMo again.'
David studied me for a moment then said, 'Well, I recognised most of the words even if they didn't make sense.'
'Don't be silly, you remember I did it in February. You know there's a national novel writing month but it's called NaNoWriMo not because it's done in November as I first thought but it is, and that's far too busy a time, so if you remember I put it off until February.'
David was looking a little bemused so I tried again.
'I have to write every day for a month. You must remember! I did really well in February and now we're in lockdown so I should do even better.'

Although the strange thing about lockdown is that time seems to be warped. Some days it disappears; other days it's hours and hours until dinner time.

So watch this space for news of my successes!


Thursday 28 May 2020

Writing to the PM

The trouble with the podcast is that once my excitement with that had faded, I lost enthusiasm. I haven't done a scrap of writing for months. It was fine in the beginning because I had the podcast to blame but now I have no excuses.

In fact, having finished the podcast, which was, after all, intended to be a little tempter to buy the next book, I should have been in all sorts of a hurry to get said book finished.

Ho hum.

The good news is that I have opened my manuscript today. That's all. I haven't written anything but it's a start.

And a reminder to me of where it finished. I'd completely forgotten that part of the story. So there's hope for me tomorrow.

I say I haven't written anything but this very afternoon I wrote several emails. Can you guess to whom I wrote? No, you'll never be able to guess so I'll tell you.

I wrote to the Prime Minister, my MP, and the leader of the Labour Party. Are you impressed? 

David was so fed up of me grumbling about the way certain members of the government seem to think it's fine to lie he told me to do something about it. In fact, he was quite snappy with me. It wasn't my fault. I thought he was, like me, lying awake turning things over in his head; I had no idea he'd just dropped off to sleep when I started complaining.

So I think he thinks I wouldn't do anything so I have. So there. And if more members of the public had my strong sense of morals it might be possible to effect a change. 

I said something similar in my letter but possibly wishing Carrie and Wilf all the best, and asking for a photograph, might have diminished the impact.  

Monday 18 May 2020

Grazing is the new norm

Before lockdown began, Chloe, with unexpected foresight, taught Mum and Dad how to skype so we have regular catch-up chats, or rather, we have monologues from Mum telling us how she is convinced their next door neighbour is breaking curfew. In fact she only phones when she has new 'evidence'. 

Chloe also gave Great-aunt Millie lessons so she too calls us at random hours, asking when we're going to take her sausages, and have I let my husband have a shed yet. Auntie Millie hasn't quite got the hang of it though and holds the phone to her mouth every time she speaks resulting in some very unwelcome close-ups of her teeth.

Still technology is wonderful - I think if I keep telling myself that I'll believe it eventually - and a wonderful way to keep in touch with the children. When they answer their phones that is.

Did I mention that I finished recording my podcast? Since then I seem to have to been in a bit of a slump, lacking the impetus to do anything.

Except eat. I am eating from morning till night. David calls me his little grazer. I try to tell him it's natural; have you ever seen a gorilla without something to eat in his hand? But even I don't really believe that.

Still these are extraordinary times and extraordinary measures are called for. Now where did I hide the chocolate bar?

Sunday 10 May 2020

A glowing review!

Debra, who's been listening to my podcast, wrote this:
"I laughed SO hard at Page One Girl, Benito the Giraffe and Leonard Cohen, and Charlie and the Sock!"

It's so good to know I'm entertaining people even if inadvertently. I think I mentioned that I had been considering a career move into stand-up comedian. It is a wonderful feeling when people laugh at you. With you I mean!

But most of my humour comes from me just living. It's not clever or witty or political satire. It's me burning bacon or jumping to conclusions, inevitably the wrong ones. You'd think I'd learn. 'Probably too late now.' David was reading this over my shoulder and he said that. If he hadn't been bringing me a cup of tea at the time I might have thumped him.

We had a lovely walk this morning with Lady by the river. Our favourite routes have been getting a bit popular of late, with people having to stay close to home, and I thought the river would be popular today but once we got away from the main starting point it was fine. Idyllic in fact. I might just have flung my arms out and started singing, 'Oh what a beautiful morning,' which has become my habit. To everyone's regret. Even Lady gives me a 'Must you?' look. 
But really? How could I resist?

Tuesday 5 May 2020

Chattering teeth

I don't have much more recording to do for my podcast. Another two or three will episodes will probably see me through to the end with a postscript.

I have had to build myself up to record the next chapter. It covers a difficult time in our lives and - SPOILER ALERT - though I know the ending it's still unpleasant remembering it. Still it must be done. And I will. As soon as I've put on an extra jumper: it seems to have turned very cold today. In fact it was warmer outside this morning for our daily walk with Lady than it is in the house. Would it be very bad to turn on the heating?

Done. On the grounds that I can't make a recording if my teeth are chattering.

Friday 1 May 2020

Still crazy after all these years

I'm not ignoring you, honest! It's just that I've been very busy lately recording my podcast. Remember? The serialisation of what I like to call my memoir.

The bits I've been recording recently have been very funny. Well, I think so anyway. At one point in my diary I wonder if I missed my vocation in life; if I could have been a stand-up comic like Victoria Wood. 

Of course since I wrote my diary Ms Wood has died. Much too young. So much more she could have brought us. As it is her legacy will live long. I have a CD of hers and I can't listen to it without almost wetting my pants, it's so funny.

Anyway, I hope you're listening to my podcast and I hope even more that you're enjoying it. (Although if you're not listening then that hope is irrelevant.)

I am coming quite close to the end of the book now. When it's finished I'll be able to get back to writing the sequel, which has taken second place to the recording and editing process.

In many ways this lockdown has been useful. In other ways not so: I have moments when I go crazy but as David says, 'I've been putting up with your craziness for years; it's about time you experienced it yourself.'

I'm still wondering how to take that.